I think the whole point of me starting a blog was to express.  I wanted to talk about my life and the problems I inevitably face everyday.  I wanted to share some my thoughts.  Mostly, I didn’t want to feel so shy.  So far, I haven’t accomplished much.  I’ve been lazy and forgetful.  Now, I see.  I am obviously not expressing anything when I’m not writing, so what the hell am I doing? 

     I don’t want to, but I kind of do, want to write about this.  Talking about my feelings can help, but it feels redundant.  That’s why I never write in my journal next to the bed.  The whole damn book is filled with the same bs, everyday.  It’s just a book of my little tragedies.  My way of communicating the awful thoughts I have about life and myself sometimes.  I’m too ashamed to offer even a glimpse of it to anyone.  Then, I torture myself with it all day, cutting and pinching at me.  I get sick of that side of me.

I could draw this out, if I had more time before I have to go to this stupid job.

     Christmas is gone and over with again.  Oh, wait! Not yet, for us.  My mother-in-law and her husband are flying in sometime today.  They weren’t able to be here for the actual holiday.  When she first told me when they were coming, I suggest to Zach that we have a nice dinner, invite everyone over to replace the gathering she missed.  “Don’t worry about that,” he said.  When he came home with his 10 pound “sale” turkey around Thanksgiving, I brought it up to him again.  This time, I even compared my schedule to line up a day when I was off to do this.  That way, I won’t be walking into a social event immediately after work.  He thought it was a great idea.  We let her know and it was done, plans set.  Now, I find out that we are all also getting together on tonight, with everyone, again.  Wow, hoo-freaking-ray!  I wouldn’t be spending the only one day I have off in 9 days cooking and entertaining had anyone informed me of this at some point.  Grrr, I wanted to host something here.  But whatever, I’ll deal.

     I want you to understand, I don’t like Zach’s mom about 87 % of the time.  She is not mean to me and, for the most part, she does baby him or anything. Okay, in all honesty, not all of that is dislike.  She annoys me, too.  When you already kinda don’t like someone, irritations can build rapidly and I hate feeling that way.  She does many things that bother the hell out of me.  I say that sometimes she does it on purpose.  But I was brought up a lady and I choose my responses well.  She doesn’t get to see me get pissed at her very often.  I have slipped a few times, let go.  When I do, she backs down for the most part, but not until she’s sure you won’t.  Passive-aggressive is the term, right?  Anyhow, the woman has done a few things and said a few things that I don’t like.  I don’t always like the values she has taught my husband and continues to condone those same ideas when it benefits her.  My kids see this and that hurts.  My mom isn’t here to show them the morals she taught me.  I realize that I am a bit irrational about it at times, but she can be pretty underhanded and very manipulative. I could make a list of all the things she has pulled over the years.  But, again, I’ll deal.  She’s only here for a few days and then Ahhhhhh back home for her!

      Most of the day, I’m not thinking about my weight.  When I’m at work, I’m eating healthy, not obsessing about hunger.  Then I come home, and I get bored.  I think about chocolate and multiple helpings of dinner.  Old habits came back.  I feel disgusted with myself, which only pulls me harder.  I don’t really snack when I’m sad.  I just release it (let it go missing inside of me) in other ways and move on.  I’m sure there are plenty of reasons why I am doing this to myself.  I’m also sure that if I worked at solutions to these issues, I might have a chance at still fighting this before I give into it.

     Zach has been mad at me for weeks.  Obviously, it is my fault he quit smoking, unless there is another explanation for this daily punishment.  Oh wait, I forgot that he treats me like this every time something stressful is going on.  You know, screw everyone else and their stressful-but-not-nearly-as-important problems.  I am almost ashamed of myself for never considering the possibility that he would be a dick.  Then I could have planned for it.  After work yesterday, he was upset with me.  Who knows why, but I know it’s my fault.  Perhaps, I didn’t make him feel loved.  So, today, I made sure I let him know that I was thinking about him all day.  I went straight to the kitchen, grabbed him and pulled him close to kiss him.  He even gave me a positive reaction!  But that wonderland is a daydream and I am again the fool.  Five minutes later, he is engrossed in showing off for his slacker brother.  Cool, fer reeeal man . . . yeah, whatever.

     My brother inlaw isn’t nothing short of ignorant.  He will argue over anything.  He has strong, but offensive opinions about things he doesn’t attempt to understand.  I tolerate him.  There was a time when he was over here every freaking day.  Zach even brought him on vacations with us.  No matter how I complained, he was always there.  Now things are different.  I only have to look at him every now and then.  But he still is just as annoying, if not more.  I find it hard to look at a man who is almost 2 years older than me, lives with his dad, can’t hold down a job, but has the balls to put us down for not running around spending our money on BS and partying.  Grrrr, but I have to ignore him.  So, I take deeeeeeeep breaths and wait for him to go away.

     My husband, Zach, and I have been arguing for days.  He is so mean at times.  I’ve struggled on and off over the years, trying to understand him.  Maybe then I can help him, but I doubt it.  He’s just mad, but at who?  I screw up like anyone else, but do I seriously deserve to take the blame for everything?  How do you explain that to someone?  Honestly, everyone has the right to get mad.  That doesn’t give anyone the right to be mean.  I don’t know . . . I just get so sad about it.  I am ashamed of myself, and him.

     I left him one time before we were married.  After that, I just gave up and got to be the pissed off wife.   Granted, that was a completely different time.  Now, our relationship is pretty normal, 90% of the time.  We both have our moments, but mine are usually a reaction to him.  I am no angel.  Most of the time, I do get upset and jump into arguing over the BS.  I’m not mean to him and I try my best to stay calm.  Things get really bad, at least in my head, if I allow myself to get angry.  Though, I have every freaking right to. 

     He usually isn’t mad about anything I particularly do.  It starts with work, or kids, or family, or wtf-ever, then I screw up and inadvertently say something that can be twisted into evidence of my sadistic plot to take over the household and make him my slave.  He talks as if he can’t trust me, I might be after his nuts as a trophy.

But whatever, I’m off to work.

     Today, it is all about venting.  Thanksgiving is not my favorite holiday.  Actually, there aren’t many holidays I do like right now.  My mom passed away a little over a year ago.  I’m still struck at odd moments with an emotion so heavy,  I fall apart again.  I thought I would be fine.  Like I said, it’s been over a year, I didn’t skip Thanksgiving last year.  Maybe it was the lack of sleep, been forced to work all day on a holiday . . .  I’m getting there, but it’s still a story.

     I work the majority of the holidays, depending on the rotation of my schedule.  This year, I’ve worked all of them, but I was lucky to have my birthday off.  This is just another thing on my list of reasons why I hate this job.  This Christmas morning, I again get to miss my daughters opening presents because I’ll be at work.  Great huh?  So much for having a job where I can still feel like a good mom, rather than just being a crabby, tired wreck.  Of course, I’ve worked all week, including yesterday’s Thanksgiving.  The night before, I was up making pies for my dad’s house.  By the time I went to bed it was midnight and I was up at 2 am to put the last pie in the refrigerator.  I did sleep in to “late”  5 am for work.  That’s where most of my day was spent.

     My husband, Zach, was at his dad’s house. Initially, we weren’t sure what we were going to do for the holiday.  Christmas has a pretty routine schedule, but Thanksgiving and Easter are usually toss ups.  I suggested to Zach that we eat with his dad and step-mom this year.  When we talked to them we were told they were eating at 1.  Zach told them that I had to work and wouldn’t be home until close to 4.  Nope, they were eating at 4.  Now, I’m not completely sure if they would’ve waited if he had asked them to, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him say anything in disagreement with his dad.  Now, I know I’m always welcome at my dad’s.  I wanted a meal with my family, which includes his side. You know, everyone talking, laughing, eating together.  Instead, if I met up with him and the kids over there, I would be eating heated up leftovers and be the only one eating.  I’ve lived with this intermittent weirdness (weird in this sense that they are oblivious to emotion) for going on 10 years.  I was prepared before we even talked to them.

I have to again go to work and, I know, if I don’t post it now then I never will.  So I’ll conclude this in the next post.

Stay tuned . . .

Enough disclaimers.  They’re everywhere!

I’m bad.  I’ve tried very hard to shake this from my record.  Most people aren’t even aware of it.  I look pleasant enough.  I even smile at people.  But I am angry and selfish 90% of the day.  I hate it.  That’s why I’m writing this.  Maybe it will help me scream it out.  Before I can do that, I’ll have to tell you about myself.

My name is Zhen.  I’m in my late 20s.  I’m married with 2 daughters.  I have 3 sisters, all older.  I work full time as a caregiver.  I don’t want to work there anymore, but I am the “breadwinner” until life changes.  Some days are better that others, right?  I love animals, cats being my true favorite.  As of now, I am at the limit of 4.  My husband says I can’t have anymore.

 I have a huge, uncontrollable imagination.  There are times when my daydreaming takes over and I forget where I’m at.  This can happen whenever, in the middle of saying or hearing something.  I love all things creative, any art.  Reading was always a big hobby of mine.  With all the responsibilities adulthood has brought, I don’t have much time to read, though I am constantly buying new books.  Poetry is my favorite example of literature.  The way the words flow like they were melted together.  I crave more of Poe style of poem, but I haven’t found a modern poet who fills that.  In fact, most of the writers, artists, musicians that I prefer are those with the same kind of afflictions I’ve had in this life.

There are two sides to me.  I am a strong, loving, empathetic, giving, hopeful, spiritual person, who is always scolding and nagging the mean, careless, lazy, crabby, irresponsible part of me that likes to show off. I made a choice when I was about 13 to be cool.  The definition of cool to me then was being rebellious and foul, selfish.  Who am I really?  Am I willing to admit it?

I have been through hard times in my life.  The sorrow is what I have created, but the inability to deal with life is a disease.  They say they think I am bipolar.  If you look at all the evidence, it looks like a pretty accurate possibility.  I read, but I am no expert.  What I do know is that I don’t want to be on medication.  I’ll probably write more about this in the future.  I have very strong feelings about the pschiatric care ”business.”  Overall, being depressed is awful.  It gets me all the time.  Everyone in my life hates it, even if they don’t see what they are hating.  Depression makes me say no to everything.  It builds on itself, always growing heavier.  I am strong now.  Okay, maybe just stronger, it still can pull me under sometimes.  I have high standards for myself.  Some of the goals I set are unattainable or require small step to reach.  I drop and renew these dreams over and over.

There isn’t much consistency in my life now.  I’m full of fear, pain, and stupidity.  I yearn for structure.  I cry for redemption, but hide from the response.